The End

“…things will end the way that they should…provided that we do what we should.”

-John Wooden

“Dù có đi cả cuộc đời khói bụi nhưng cứ tin hạnh phúc ở cuối đường …

…nhưng minh phải tìm tới cuối đường đó”

I always believed that everything will be okay in the end…but there was something wrong with that logic because sometimes it doesn’t. And it doesn’t because we forget to put in our best effort.

So! Keep up the fighting spirit!

Friends

Friends are the flowers

…in the garden of life.

-Two amazing friends have both quoted this to me–and just like them, this quote will always hold a special place in my heart, a place where there’s laughter, understanding, silliness and trust.

aja!

Bare Necessities

All you’ve gotta do is…look for the bare necessities

The simple bare necessities

Forget about your worries and your strife!

The bear necessities will come to you.

BUT WHEN?

They’ll come to you.

Running and Channeling

When do you know that you should just run and hide?

….well, I’m doing it.

Is this what discouragement is?

It’s strange, when I was little, there was nothing that I thought I couldn’t do or be–I just needed time.  When I was three, I promised my mom, “Eventually Mom, eventually I’ll be able to help you sweep the floor.” When I was thirteen, I promised my parents, “Eventually, eventually, I’ll be able to go to work, bring home money and take care of you.” When I was 18, I thought I had accomplished so much. I was set for an Ivy League education, without my parents needing to pay anything.I thought this was the beginning of me paying them back.

But I’m still powerless…worse yet, I don’t have hope for the future, that I could ever fulfill my promises, that I could ever make my parents happy…as they deserve to be. It’s too late…I’ve taken too much. They’ve paid everything they had so that I could sit in my room in New Haven, Connecticut,memorizing how to say ‘pangzi’ and ‘nanbu’ and practicing presentations and instilling facts about oceans and biodiversity and competing interests. Why is life this unfair? How can they give up so much like this? And still my dad calls, saying to concentrate on school, that he would handle the problems at home. He still tries to maintain that facade of control, but he’s tired. He’s about to break.

And mom has already broken, and I’m stuck here, worrying about oral exams and management of the environment. I can’t even pick up her calls because I Don’t know how to fix her, and make her come back. what do i do?what do i do?

How do I do this? How do I channel my uselessness at home, uselessness at the most important things in my life for the people that I care about most in this world…how do I channel it so that I”m not useless at school too? And when does this channeling become running away, become a way of blocking off, shirking responsibility, ignoring the suffering of my family?

Home is still precious to me, even if hardly anyone ever smiles there. It’s still precious to me even though sometimes my mom will stand right in front of us, but acts like someone we hardly know. It’s still precious even after it’s broken, disbanded, and in upheaval. If Mom knew this, would she fight, would she win the battle with herself? Regardless of how much it hurts me, it must hurt her a million times more…to be shirked by the people who she loves at her darkest hours. To fight with the very people who she has sacrificed everything for, traveled across continents for, gave up her ability to function in society for, her independence, her voice, her pride, her life… for this? for these moments?Why can’t the voices in her head just stop, leave her alone and let her enjoy life in peace?

This summer,I read a letter she wrote to grandma a long time ago…and she sounded just like me. That’s when I finally realized where my fighting spirit comes from. I hope she keeps fighting, and keeps coming back to us.

And I’ll fight, too–Mom. But I can only fight my battles, and I still can’t fight yours no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I’ve wanted to ever since I was able to recognize the weariness on you face. I’ve never been able to fight your battles and it hurts to think about the idea that maybe, I’ll never be able to fight your battles for you, even though you’ve fought so many for me.

But I’ll fight mine. I owe that much to you. And I have to hope that you’ll keep on fighting yours. And one day. We’ll win.  We will. I won’t give up on you, just as you  have never given up on me. Until then, we have to keep on fighting.

Phải không, Mẹ?

Dirt Off Your Shoulders

Props to my awesome suitemates: Kels, Isis, Daniela, Paloma & Vaness –must thank them for always keeping me company and keep me laughing. =)

Neu Chi Con Mot Ngay De Song II

For a while, I couldn’t bear to listen to this song. Before that, it was the first song I had memorized word for word. How weird…that beautiful things can bring back such pain. Now it’s faded…or is it just because I’m used to it? In any case, I can see the beauty of it again. =)

Lyrics

Cho toi nhu bong may, lang thang qua coi nay

Cho toi duoc ngam sao tren tren, giua huong dong co noi

Cho toi nhu khuc ca, bay di xa rat xa

Cho toi duoc cam on cuoc doi, cam on moi nguoi

Cho toi duoc song trong tim nguoi bang nhung loi ca

Neu chi con mot ngay de song, nguoi dua toi ve den que nha

De toi tham lang xua nguon coi, cho toi mo, mo tieng me cha

Neu chi con mot ngay de song, nguoi cho toi mot khuc kinh cau

Nguoi toi thuong em am moi cuoi, cho con toi buoc doi yen vui

Neu chi con mot ngay de song, lam sao ta tra on cuoc doi

Lam sao ta den dap bao nguoi nang ta len bao buoc doi chenh venh

Neu chi con mot ngay de song, lam sao ta chuoc het loi lam

Lam sao ta thanh thang tam hon, xuoi doi tay di giua hung dong

Cho toi nhu bong may, lang thang qua coi nay

Cho toi duoc ngam sao tren choi, giua huong dong co noi

Cho toi nhu khuc ca, bay di xa rat xa

Cho toi duoc cam on cuoc doi, cam on moi nguoi

Cho toi duoc song trong tim nguoi

…bang nhung loi ca

Neu chi con mot ngay de song, muon mang khong loi hoi loi chan thanh

Buon vi ai, ta lam ai buon, xin bao dung tha thu vi nhau

Neu chi con mot ngay de song, chot nhan ra cuoc doi qua dep

Phai chang ta co luc voi vang, nen ra di chua duoc binh an

Cho toi nhu bong may, lang thang qua coi nay

Cho toi duoc ngam sao tren choi, giua huong dong co noi

Cho toi nhu khuc ca, bay di xa rat xa

Cho toi duoc cam on cuoc doi, cam on moi nguoi

Cho toi duoc song trong tim nguoi

…bang nhung loi ca

Lyrics Translated

Let me be like the clouds, wandering from place to place

Let me watch the stars, in the fields of my father’s’

Let me be like a song, flying farther and farther

Let me thank life, thank every one.

Let me live in people’s hearts through my songs.

If there was only one more day to live, please bring me back to my homeland

Let me visit old villages, and old roots. Let me dream, dream of my parents’ voice

If there was only one more day to live, please answer my one prayer

My love warmly smiles, let my children safely go through life.

If there was only one more day to live, how could we pay all our debts to life?

How can we repay all those who have held us up through the rough roads of life?

If there was only one more day to live, how could we make up for all our sins?

How can we peacefully, let go and walk in the mist of breaking dawn

Let me be like the clouds, wandering from place to place

Let me watch the stars, in the fields of my father’s

Let me be like a song, flying farther and farther

Let me thank life, thank everyone.

Let me live in people’s hearts

…through my songs.

If there was only one more day to live, would genuinely asking for forgiveness be too late?

Sad because of who, who caused my sadness, please extend and forgive for each other

If there was only one more day to live, suddenly I realized how beautiful life was

Was it that I had hurried moments, that I’m leaving with an unsettled soul?

Let me be like the clouds, wandering from place to place

Let me watch the stars, in the fields of my father’s

Let me be like a song, flying farther and farther

Let me thank life, thank everyone.

Let me live in people’s hearts

…through my songs.

Cái cây tìm sự cô đơn ở trên cao // Ngọn cỏ tìm sự đông đảo ở dưới đất
-Blog Osin

A tree looks for loneliness up high//The strand of grass looks for crowdedness on the ground
-http://www.blogosin.org/

Còn con người thì ở đâu?
Where does that leave us?

Thanksgiving

Hôm nay là ngày Thanksgiving. Mình nhận được vài tin nhấn của bạn bè, cám ơn tình bạn của mình. Dể thương nhỉ?
Nhưng bạn bè càng dễ thương, nhà càng gặp khó khăn, thì mình càng thấy khó bỏ đi. Tại sao mình nên bỏ hết mà đi một nơi mới?

Vài ngày trước, mình mới có cơ hội ngồi xuống, nói chuyện và tâm sự với Annie. Mình cảm nhận đc rằng bạn mình đang rất mệt mỏi, đang đi lạc đường và chưa tìm lại đúng đường mà cô ấy muốn đi. Những lúc này…mình lại rất khó đối sử với lựa chọn của mình 3 năm về trước, khi mình đã chọn đi học ở trường Yale vì mình không muốn đi học chung với Annie. Hình như Annie cũng suy nghĩ như mình, tưởng rằng bạn thân nhất của mình sẽ hạng chế mình…tại sao con người lại nghĩ như thế? Nếu Annie và mình học chung…thì có thể Annie sẽ không gặp khó khăn như hôm nay. Mình sẽ bảo vệ bạn mình được chứ? Giúp Annie cười tươi như những ngày khi mình đã học chung được chứ?

Hình như là Annie đã chọn sai trường…hình như Annie sẽ có 4 năm tốt hơn nếu bạn ấy học ở trường Yale. Và có thể Annie đã nhận sét được chuyện này…

Mình luôn luôn nghĩ rằng…dù cho mình đã đi rất sâu, bao sâu đi nữa..thì mình cũng luôn luôn có thể đỏi ý, đỏi đường…Nhưng càng sống, càng hiểu được nhiều người, càng chính mắt thấy đau khổ của những người xung quanh mình…thì em càng nghĩ rằng…hình như là có lúc, có trường hợp mà mình không còn quay lại đc, không còn đường khác để đi. Như là Ba Mẹ em…như là Annie…như là anh.

Không. Nhiều khi Ông Trời dạy..mà em học sai. =) Mình luôn luôn có sự lựa chọn mà, đi trể hay đi sớm, học trường này hay học trường kia, bỏ qua hay là nên quan tâm tới…nhưng mà người ta có thể chọn sai. Bởi vậy mình mới ngồi nhìn, suy nghĩ rằng, tưởng rằng họ đã không có lựa chọn mới chọn lựa một con đường sai lằm như thế?

Nên năm nay…mình rất cảm ơn những lựa chọn của những người xung quanh mình, và mình mong rằng họ sẽ tiếp tục lựa chọn những con đường đúng cho họ. Và mình mong rằng những người mình thương sẽ biết nhận sét lựa chọn của mình, đỏi đường khi đã đỏi ý, và tiếp tục khi đã đi đúng đường. =)

Thanks!

7 presentations-To Inspire

On Tuesday, I stepped back into a building that I hadn’t stepped foot in for 3 years: Abraham Lincoln High School.

I was 20 minutes late. Figures. But my old Spanish teacher welcomed me with smiles and hugs. The walls looked newer than I imagined, the halls didn’t seem quite as big as I remembered, and standing in front of the auditorium…I wasn’t as intimidated as I was the night before, in front of my mirror. Monday night, I was struggling. I recited what Yale provided for me to say…and found myself falling asleep to my own voice. So I dug. deep. What made me believe enough to apply to Yale when I was in their shoes?

My messaged boiled down to this:

I am asking for 20 minutes of your time. Can you guys give me your attention for 20 minutes, just 20 minutes? I am going to use those 20 minutes to try to convince you of one thing: To Apply to Yale University. [long pause]
To start off, I just have one advice for you guys. This is a piece of advice that neither Mr. Graziano, Mrs. Stimmel nor Mrs. Dickey will ever ask someone to stand in front of Lincoln’s auditorium and say…and you can NOT take this advice in the context of a Casino. [pause] But my advice for you is : to Gamble. [long pause]
Applying to Yale is a gamble, and I want you to gamble. If you lose…you get a Sad, Flat envelope that says ” sorry…you’re not accepted.” And I’m going to spend the next 15 minutes telling you what happens if you win.
1. $200,000 over the next 4 years
2. all-paid-for trips in the summer, spring break, and winter break.
3. Yale on your resume, interviews everywhere
4. Join the alumni network that includes: head of PepsiCo, George Bush, John Kerry, Supreme Court Justices, past Presidents of the United States, CEOs and leaders of the top companies and organizations int the world.

Think of that Application to Yale as your ticket to all this, as the dice that you roll in this gamble…but it’s a dice that you can fix. On this application, on this dice are: Grades that you have control over, Test Scores that you can study for, Essays that you can spend months on to make perfect. You can work to fix this dice, then use it to roll once; One gamble in which u lose nothing, but you might win everything.

That’s why I worked hard, that’s why I applied.

That’s what I’m banking on will entice these students to make something of themselves. And it was wonderful. I saw students’ eyes get huge…I heard them gasp in excitement. Their eyes engaged, the silence in the room was loud, and exciting and empowering. For at least these few moments, they believed. When I named Conor who got into Yale last year, and when I stood in front of them, real and breathing, as proof that students who were once in their shoes do make it…into this ridiculous Ivy League world. For a few moments, they believed. “So, my gpa is only decent right now. but if I work really hard, and get it up, and study like you said…and work hard on my application, you’re saying I could have a chance?” asked a brown-haired kid, with his voice half-full of hope, half-full of disbelief. I could only smile and said “You’ll have the same chance I had.”

I gave 7 presentations like this, spoke to over 100 kids in 8 hours…gave out tons of business cards. I came back to Lincoln to inspire, to weave dreams into minds that didn’t know the possibilities…and I really hope I did.
Because I came away inspired. I came away with dreams, with more belief and more confidence in the future. If we just believed, if we just act.

November 14th/Imperfect Day

Today has been a tiring day.

Have you ever had those days…when your schedule is jam-packed, you’ve set yourself up for a pretty rewarding day…but at the end of those days, you just sit back, want to lie down, and feel …empty?

I woke up today, led a high school conference for the 3rd year in a row, stood until my feet was tired, ate dinner, laughed, walked in the drizzling rain, felt hot, felt cold, felt tired, felt happy, funny, awkward, dorky, accomplished, creative, useful. We even ate fried ice-cream.

Then I went home, realized I was going to be away from all these people and these events. “What would Yale be like without, Vi” asked my friend. And within me, I knew the answer. Yale would continue to be Yale. Life goes on. What marks have I made?

When I called home, I had the longest conversation that my little brother and I have ever had ever since he started middle school. Was it bad of me feel happy about this, when the cause of it is that he’s struggling like I used to struggle? Especially since I know how impossible those struggles seem to be, and they keep manifesting themselves into even bigger troubles. When my mom starts quoting poetic verses, waking up before dawn, lecturing us about God…we know we’ve started to lose her again. And it’s painful, painstaking..and it makes us annoyed, angry, and always on edge.

It’s strange. I don’t think I was familiar with this concept before until a couple of years ago. When you meet more people that you care deeply about, the more likely that they will be far away from you. Across the U.S., across the world. At moments when you sleep, they are working. At moments when you are laughing, they could be crying. At their happiest moments, you might be shedding tears. I haven’t understood this concept before …that when I burst out laughing at something, at that exact moment, someone must be suffering, dying, starving, giving up. Understanding this concept puts me outside of myself. And while I’m outside of myself, I’m not quite sure where to go.

So the more Mom talked, the more energy is seeping out of me. The more I lose focus. Sometimes, I’m disturbed, sometimes I just want to laugh. Other times, I feel hopeless. Undefined…or more like, imperfectly defined.

A home, where the fence wobbles as if about to fall down, but never managing to fall down. A will, that’s borderline belligerent but flimsy. A person, one foot in, one foot out, one hand pushing, one hand reaching, the mind, a cluttered mess…wishing for peace, blue skies, soft winds, da ua, music that doesn’t bring back any old memories, melodies that only bring relaxing sensations. That would be my perfect day.